Personal Sustainability: Courage and Self Care
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
September 2009
Self care takes an immense amount of courage. I can't count the
number of times clients say they can't afford to take time off.
They can't possibly leave work at 5 o'clock...or 7 o'clock...or
even 9 o'clock. They don't believe they can make time for exercise
or spiritual practice or sleep. Yet when clients do dare to take
care of themselves, to listen to what they need and act on what
they hear, they find that they have more energy, greater
resourcefulness, more time in the day, and a capacity for even
greater service to others.
My client Daniella (not her real name), the regional director of a
nonprofit program benefiting children, is a brilliant example of
the power of self care. She noticed early on in our work together
that she tended to flow her vast compassion almost exclusively to
others and not to herself. She often worked through lunch, came in
early and stayed late, and barely took time for a drink of water,
much less a vacation.
She gave her energy and her time to benefit the children, but in
doing so, she was neglecting herself. As she began to show herself
some of the kindness she knew so well how to give to others, quite
a bit began to shift.
She told me a story that may sound familiar to you. She had two
events to go to, one a workshop in her town and one a meeting she
was expected at in a town almost two hours away. While others might
have liked for her to attend the workshop, it wasn't her top
priority. In order to go to it, she'd have to leave it early and
arrive at her more important meeting late. Going only to the
meeting meant she was willing to place her energy and her focus
where it had the greatest impact. It also meant that she had the
nerve to listen to the inner voice that had been begging her not to
spread herself too thin.
She decided to skip the workshop. Later, she told me about the
moment she sat in her office and made that decision. "I told
myself, 'Okay, you're not going. Bye.' I had to hang up on myself!"
Then, when she drove to her meeting, she recounted, "I actually
drove the speed limit. That is the real turning point. Instead of
being the madwoman, I'm starting to do what I know I need to do.
Before I knew, but I talked myself out of it."
Daniella now feels more in control of her choices, and she doesn't
feel as bound by her work. She's conscious of her inner
conversation and how she's making those choices. She feels more
grounded, more decisive, and a sense that she's where she's
supposed to be. Her thinking is clearer and she feels space in her
mind that impacts her outside world. "I'm more present with people.
Even though there are still the same 100 messages on my Blackberry,
I know they'll get taken care of. And I notice my desk is clearer!
I think it's a residual effect - I don't know why. I just seem to
be more present to everything."
At the end of a work day, she says to herself, "Okay, you're done.
Go!" And, she doesn't take work home as much, or she takes home her
laptop, but finds that she doesn't get it out. And she's taking
some vacation time, saying, "I don't have to wait for someone to
die or get sick to take time off."
Perhaps most importantly, her priorities are now more aligned with
her value of compassion for others. Because she takes care of her
greatest asset - herself - first, she is able to offer greater
support to her staff and to the children they all serve.
Like other clients, Daniella has gained the courage to listen to
her inner wisdom and to follow it, even when habit or other
people's agendas might appear to compete. How about you? What do
you know about taking care of yourself that you're not letting
yourself act on? You already know. Choose to enlist the support to
help you acknowledge it, or just go do it!
The Next Step Is Always Illuminated
by Kate Harper, CLC, PCC
June 2009
When I was a little girl, I was terrified of stairs at the
First Methodist Church in Tempe, Arizona. In Tempe, where I grew
up, almost all homes were ranch style - no stairs. The day arrived
when I graduated from the nursery on the first floor to Sunday
School on the second floor. To get to be with the big kids, I had
to climb the stairs. I remember standing at the bottom, paralyzed
and crying. I desperately wanted to go, but I could not move. There
were too many stairs, they were too steep, and I might slip and
fall! After much crying, I was about to be returned to the nursery
when a kindly older lady took my hand. "You can do it," she said. "Look down and see only one step, then stand on that. Then when you
are ready, do it again." Slowly we made our way to the top.
I've noticed that my clients - and I - sometimes experience a
similar sort of paralysis when thinking about accomplishing
something big. The steps are too numerous, or too difficult, or we
can't even imagine what the steps are. When I first made the switch
to owning my own business, I was overwhelmed and afraid. I had a
big desire but didn't know how to accomplish it. Then, like the
lady at church, my colleague and then-coach Karen Cappello offered
a great insight. She said, "The next step is always illuminated."
It was a great relief and a great opening. She helped me easily
look for, focus on, and take the next step. Then from that vantage
point, the next perfect step became clear.
It has been seven years since I became a professional coach. I look
back and see all the steps I have taken, and all the steps I have
helped my clients take. Karen's insight, "The next step is always
illuminated," holds up under scrutiny. At the beginning of my
journey I could not have imagined the steps that became so clearly
a part of my path.
Here are six ways for you to easily discover your next step:
Ask. In a quiet moment, focus on your dream or goal. Imagine it as
already having come true. Put yourself in the picture and
experience how it feels to have accomplished it. With that feeling,
come back to the present and ask, "What is my perfect next step?"
Sit quietly and notice what comes to you.
Expect the unexpected. Sometimes the next step comes in an
unexpected invitation or opportunity. I wasn't looking to teach at
a college when a good friend called and asked if I was interested.
It was the perfect next step for me. What has come into your life
that you weren't expecting but fits with the essence of your goal?
Let it go. Have you ever worked hard on a problem, only to find the
answer comes to you in the shower? I find my best inspiration comes
when I'm not trying to solve anything, but when I'm doing things I
enjoy and enjoying what I do.
Follow the energy. Try brainstorming a list of possible next steps.
Now pick the ones that are most appealing to you. Imagine doing
them - does your heart lift or does your stomach sink? Does it feel
like a "want to" or a "should"? Follow the step that gives you the
most energy.
Be kind to yourself. There is actually no wrong step! Anything we
do toward our goal is valuable. Give yourself permission to take
your time, to sit on a step for a while, or decide to go back down
and come up a different way.
Look around. Once you have taken a step, stop for a moment and
survey the new landscape. What is possible now that you couldn't
see before?
The next step is always illuminated - for business and personal
goals, for big and small dreams. What is your perfect next step?
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This article has been updated from one Kate wrote for her January,
2003 Roots of Inspiration Newsletter.
Leader Magic
by Kate Harper, CLC, PCC
April 2009
For the last three years I have been looking at my navy blue leather sofa and thinking, "I'm going to have to buy a new sofa." Now, this sofa is only a few years old and not out of style. In fact, I would still be in love with this sofa if it weren't for the scratches on the seats courtesy of two dogs who like to sit on it and look out the window when we are not home.
Yes, yes, I know we could train our dogs not to sit on the sofa (my husband says mousetraps under newspaper does the trick) but the damage has been done. So, for the last three years I've been between a rock and a hard place. The rock being I don't like having a scratched up sofa and the hard place being I don't want to buy a new one. The result? I felt bad when I entered the family room and I never had guests over.
I was on a conference call last month for an organization I'm a part of. We needed a place for our next gathering. I happily offered my home. Only later did I realize that holding a gathering equals inviting people to sit on the scratched up sofa. Ouch. The space between the rock and the hard place suddenly became even tighter! Should I cancel the meeting? Buy a new sofa? Be hypnotized to not care?
Of course people wouldn't really care - but I did care. And in my mind there weren't any viable options. So finally I did what I teach my clients. When it appears that there is no good option, take a step back from the situation and know that there is another solution; it just has not revealed itself yet. After sleeping on it for a few days, I got the idea that I might just be able to repair the scratches. Google led me to Leather Magic. I sent in a sample
and had a custom leather recoloring kit in my home within one week.
The sofa looks fantastic!
Now when I enter the family room, I smile. But I also think about the three years I cringed and I didn't invite friends over. Leather Magic was available all the time - I just didn't believe there was another way.
Often a leader intuitively knows there is a problem but only sees solutions that are not viable, so does nothing - all the while cringing - or takes action that he or she is not aligned with. As a coach, I help my clients to be aware when they are feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, and then to know that there is another way. Sometimes we actively search for the better way - brainstorming, asking for advice, and questioning assumptions. And often I invite them to allow the better way to show up - give it to the universe and sleep on it. Both work!
Do you have a situation that feels like a rock and a hard place, where there is no good option? Try this: say to yourself, "Right now I don't see a good option, and that's okay. I know there's another way and it will reveal itself to me." Then watch what happens.
Take Back the Day:
On Reclaiming Personal Power
by Sheri Boone, CLC, MCC
and Jennifer Sellers, MCLC, PCC
March 2009
More people are panicked than we've ever seen. Even people who are
still okay financially are feeling unsettled. Many of us are waking
up to - or are being reminded of - the reality that nothing is
certain.
This unsettled time is an opportunity to try life and work a
different way. For some of us, that means neither indulging nor denying the struggles we see others in or that we are experiencing
ourselves.
What's indulging? It can look like complaining, commiserating,
wallowing in the muck. It can look like scouring the newspaper or
the smorgasbord of TV news shows in dread of the worst possible
reports.
What's denying? It might be the hollow affirmation that "it was
meant to be," or that "everything will turn out all right," or that "this hasn't really affected me all that much." These things may be
absolutely true. At the same time, even though we sometimes know
their truth, we sometimes forget it as well. The truth of them can
feel like a slap in the face to those who have temporarily
forgotten, and to ourselves if we're among them. And the truth of
them may not in every case address the complexity and the richness
of the situation.
Instead of indulging or denying the challenges, our question is, "How can I be of service?" Here are some of the ways our clients
are discovering, and some of the things they are saying:
* Without judgment, I continue to become informed.
* I find quiet time just for me. In this time, I don't try to
figure out what to do.
* I notice the feelings I'm having, and I don't let them derail
me. I am present with them and explore what they're about.
* Sometimes, I take action that is in integrity. I don't wait
for the perfect answer. I try something small now.
* Sometimes, I wait to take action, believing that I'll know
when the time is right, and not being hard on myself until
then.
* I trust in my own abilities to see my way through and I trust
this life.
Out of these, come benefits:
* I am able to support my direct reports and others around me
in more meaningful ways than I have in the past.
* I find myself doing things that are more aligned with my
values.
* I am not panicking. I feel a sense of personal power, having
gained some control in a fearful situation.
* I am learning about myself.
* I am affecting positive change.
* I am seeing some surprising - and some obvious - opportunities
in a down market.
We don't have all the answers. We're still in the question, along
with everyone else. Let's stay in all the questions, continuing to
shine light on their dark aspects. Let's honor where we are in this
moment and where others are, too. Let's continue to explore this
new territory together.
My Mind Won't Let Go!
by Kate Harper, PCC, CLC
September, 2008
Have you ever found yourself repeatedly thinking about something that you can't seem to let go of - just like your tongue going back again and again to touch a sore tooth?
One of my executive coaching clients asked for help with a thought that had "got a hold of her." The previous week her boss told her he was giving additional responsibility to her peer because of the background that person had - a degree my client didn't have. Even though her boss specifically told her that she was doing a good job, she just couldn't stop thinking about not having that degree.
I acknowledged her awareness - often we feel bad and don't even realize that we are caught in a thought that has us out of alignment. The first thing I do when I experience a repetitive thought - acknowledge my awareness. I take a breath and notice..."I'm thinking about this."
Then I ask, "Is there something I want to and can do about this now?"
And I practice humor, kindness and acceptance - which leads to spaciousness. My yoga teacher likes to say our mind is like a dog... it can't help but get into the garbage and spread it about. So when I can, I smile at the "dog" of my mind. I don't chastise - because heaven knows the nature of the mind is the more I push away a thought, the more my mind likes to think it. What I resist persists. And when I can not find humor or kindness, I ask a question from Ehkhart Tolle which invites acceptance, "Can I be the space for this?"
Then I repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes many, many times!
In my experience, the thought that has a hold of me gently loses its grip. Often an action is inspired. Always I feel better.
This week my client is practicing saying "Thank you for sharing" to her mind, and also tapping into her faith when she gets caught in a thought.
I am doing a lot of breathing these days. What might work for
you?
The Business Case for Presence
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
May, 2008
I worked with a client recently who was looking for a balance
between moving forward and allowing the full range of her emotional
responses. Elena's organization is in a budget crunch - sound
familiar? - and her position is changing from one she has worked to
build and enjoys to one that feels like a step back. In addition,
she does not feel fully supported by her boss.
She had already gone through the process of deciding whether to
leave or stay, and having decided to stay, she noticed that she was "planning and coping out of [her] head." While that kind of
planning does help her to feel better, she was concerned that if
she did not address her feelings of frustration and disempowerment,
they would come popping out in ways that serve neither herself nor
her organization, or that she would have "a melt-down."
We used a simple process I learned from meditation teacher Tara
Brach, author of books on radical acceptance. I invited Elena to
sit with her circumstances, first asking herself the question, "What is happening here?" then, "Can I be with this?"
She took some quiet time to feel what was happening and her
reaction to it in this present moment, without spinning stories of
what it means - there's something wrong with my boss, there's
something wrong with me, there's something wrong with the situation.
As she sat and softened into this difficult situation, the
frustration and disempowerment softened as well. Her greatest
insight was that the present moment was a place she tended to try
to escape - that it was a challenge to stay in the present without
moving immediately toward solutions. She already knows that she is
competent at fixing problems. She realized that fixing only goes so
far, and that in order to be open to shifts inside herself that can
impact the entire situation, she has to be open to not fixing.
It's important to note that while Elena's frustration and
disempowerment softened, it might have gone the opposite way for
her. The point of being present is not necessarily to make things
better. It is to see what's there and to tap into the inner
resourcefulness to deal with it not only with the intellectual
intelligence of the head but with the wisdom of the heart and gut.
In the book Presence by Peter Senge, C. Otto Scharmer, Joseph
Jaworski, and Betty Sue Flowers (Currency Doubleday, 2005), the
authors describe presence as "deep listening [and] being open
beyond one's pre- conceptions and historical ways of making sense."
They say, "We came to see the importance of letting go of old identities
and the need to control and...making choices to serve the evolution
of life. Ultimately, we came to see all these aspects of presence
as leading to a state of 'letting come,' of consciously
participating in a larger field for change. When this happens, the
field shifts, and the forces shaping a situation can move from
re-creating the past to manifesting or realizing an emerging
future." (pp.14-15)
The authors talk about a first step to presence, "seeing our
seeing," which means being able to observe the stories, opinions,
and assumptions we're operating out of. In order to see our seeing,
we need to employ an idea I've heard some describe as "relating to
the mind rather than from it." By quieting her mind and stepping
outside her story, Elena was able to see into her own emotions and
to relate to them rather than from them. She neither indulged nor
denied the emotions, but saw them clearly. This clear seeing opens
up a field of possible actions that otherwise remain hidden.
Some type of contemplative practice is common in all spiritual
traditions, and Senge and company also found strands of it in their
many (150 plus) interviews with entrepreneurs and scientists. It
may seem unorthodox, but sitting quietly with the difficulty we
think we're experiencing has transforming effects. It leads to
clarity, resourcefulness when it's time to act, consideration for
the whole as well as its parts, and the kind of innovation that
allows individuals and organizations to thrive.
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Focus on Feedback
by Sheri Boone, MCC, CLC
April, 2008
Feedback. It's always been a slightly negative word and concept for
me. If I'm the one receiving the feedback, the word carries with it
the idea that I'm going to hear something less than great or that I
need to brace myself because, "here it comes." When I hear the
dreaded question, "Can I give you some feedback?" it's enough to
start my heart a-poundin' and my palms to sweating. I know I get
that deer in the headlights kind of stare, because I'm waiting for
a judgment or a criticism. Sound familiar? Do you dread getting or
giving feedback?
At Inspired Mastery, we prefer to talk about reflecting back, acknowledging, and using our active listening; and we like to focus
on the positives, what's working, and how our clients want to move
forward. In my role as coach trainer, I listen to hundreds of
coaching sessions. The first time I heard a coach ask his client
that same question, "Can I give you some feedback?" I held my
breath for what was coming. I was relieved to hear that it simply
meant he was going to reflect back exactly what he heard his client
say. There was no judgment or opinion in his "feedback" at all. Whew!
But what about beyond the coaching context? When you are required
to give feedback as you work with your employees, clients,
colleagues, etc., how can you use positive feedback to create an
environment of safety that fosters open possibility for more
expansion and growth?
Here are some examples of questions to ask:
"What would you love to see more of?"
"How can you expand here?"
"Is there a different choice you can make here?"
And a really
powerful one:
"What would this look like if it were a picture of
perfection for you?"
Rather than negative, I've come to know these
questions as positive, huge open spaces for more!
An open and accepting attitude is crucial to the process of giving
positive feedback. A clear and focused collaborative discussion can
then serve the growth of your employee or student. It's not a "from
the top down" kind of conversation, but rather you create a level
ground, an equality, that serves the process. The discussion
revolves around the opportunities and how the individual can grow
in his mastery. He appreciates the discussion. He feels safe to
take risks, knowing that he won't be given negative feedback, but
rather that you'll work together to move forward in a way that
serves him, without judgment or criticism.
I now have a new definition of feedback. It's this: "a recap or
summary, a reflecting back of information, exactly as stated for
the purpose of clarity, awareness and insight" . . . with this added
piece: "a focus on bringing added richness, new ideas, expansion or
growth." Now that's a definition I can live with! With my new
perspective and understanding of the idea of feedback for what it
truly can be, a new opportunity for growth and expansion, I no
longer dread the word!
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Don't Fence Me In
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
March, 2008
Spaciousness. Flow. Keeping pace with my life. These are the
qualities I enjoy. These are a few of my favorite things.
Time crunch. Too much to do. Not enough not enough not enough not
enough. This is a place I sometimes land. This is a place I
sometimes fence myself into.
I can easily fall into the delusional thinking that says, "If I
just do more, I will get it all done, and I won't be overwhelmed."
The smartest part of me knows that this is nothing more than a
trap. Much of what really helps me rise out of overwhelm and into
spaciousness - what really helps me get more done - is
counter-intuitive.
Some Concrete Steps toward Getting More Done
1. Take more time off.
Really. I told you it was counter-intuitive. But try the experiment
and see how it works for you. It can be a day, a week, or a portion
of an hour for a walk outside. When I take on the
sometimes-difficult practice of taking time off, I am refreshed,
energized, and more open to the resources that were there all along.
Your time off may be nothing more than to stop for a breather. Set
an alarm on your watch, your cell phone, or your computer. It might
be every couple of hours, a couple of times a day, or just once.
When the alarm goes off, just sit for a few moments. Allow yourself
to be. And just appreciate.
2. Stop multi-tasking. Focus on only one thing at a time. Put
everything else aside. Close your email. Turn off the phone. Again,
try the experiment. I'll bet you large sums of money that you get
more done and feel more calm. Let me know your experience.
3. Take a Baby Step
What's the one small shift that would have a large impact in your
life? Going to bed a half hour earlier so that you can spend a few
minutes in the morning looking positively ahead to the day? Leaving
work and getting home a half hour earlier so that you can make a
life-giving meal for yourself or spend down time with loved ones?
Meditating or doing yoga for 5 or 10 minutes a couple of days a week?
4. Change your mindset.
The way to lasting change is to little by little change your
mindset. From what to what? From the idea that there is not enough
time to the idea that there is no shortage of time. Our clients
know that when they focus on the shortage of time, that's all they
see. And when they focus on the abundance of time, that's what they
see! Why not try the experiment? It doesn't take any more time.
Yes, yes, yes. We all need to delegate, ask for help, find support, work smarter, manage our time well. But what I find is that only
when I take a few minutes to find myself some space, only when I
quit fencing myself into a crowded calendar, only when I open up
some breathing room...only then am I able to see the resources
around me; only then am I able to think clearly enough to delegate,
get organized, and manage my time; only then can I stop fencing
myself in to that tight, squeezy little place that deadens me and
keeps me from enjoying my day, my work, and my life.
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Dog Doo, Office Politics, and Managing Your Time
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
February, 2008
Dog doo. There it is. On the floor. In the living room. On the carpet. Not on the silk rug, thank you, Dog, but on the carpet nearby. What's my first reaction? I don't like this. This shouldn't be happening. I don't have time for this. What's wrong with this dog? Or more kindly, Is there something wrong with the dog? Maybe my body tenses up a bit. It's a little clenching of the jaw. Or of the shoulders, or in my belly.
Office Politics. There they are. On the workplace floor. Where there are people there are politics. What is my reaction to this situation? Someone disagrees with me. Someone agrees with me. Someone wants me to do it differently. I want someone to do it differently. Do I think this shouldn't be happening? Do I feel my jaw, my shoulders, my belly clench?
Managing Time. Look at all this dog doo in my schedule! What do I do? Where do I start? I'm multi-tasking a mile a minute and getting nowhere. If only I were more efficient. If only my situation didn't require so much of me. This job is stressful. It shouldn't be this way. If I stop to notice, I find that something is clenched.
And at the moment I stop to notice, I have a choice. I might now be able to say, "Hmmm...dog doo - or office politics, or time crunch. Better clean it up before someone steps in it. Better clean it up before I step in it myself." No more thoughts that this shouldn't be happening. What's the inspired action that would clean it up? If it's not clear, can I wait until there is one?
The October, 2007 Harvard Business Review contains an article by Tony Schwartz and Catherine McCarthy entitled "Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time". Schwartz and McCarthy lay out a concrete, comprehensive, and helpful program for managing energy rather than time, addressing energy in its physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual forms. The article is worth reading and the practices worth incorporating, to whatever degree each of us is capable.
And on the way to putting the practices into place, I have one, single, simple, powerful suggestion for right now: Try not keeping anything out. Try letting it all in. See what happens if you let in the dog doo. It's there anyway. If you let in the office politics; they're there anyway. If you accept, surrender, and quit fighting your schedule, your calendar, your congestion of the agenda. And if you find yourself saying "This shouldn't be happening!" you simply notice that you're thinking it shouldn't be happening, and you just interrupt for the moment the thought that you shouldn't be thinking that this shouldn't be happening.
When we block out anything, we are blocking out pieces of ourselves. And when we block out pieces of ourselves we are blocking out our joy. Blocking out is blocking out.
Joan Sutherland, Roshi, founder of The Open Source, a NewZen network, says that equanimity is keeping pace with your own life.
Have you noticed that sometimes things flow and you get more done than you expected? You aren't so much bothered by the dog doo or the office politics or how busy you are, and your world looks easy.
Observe yourself. I bet you'll notice that these are times when you aren't blocking anything out. You aren't expecting one thing and rejecting whatever is not that. You are keeping pace with your life. It may be a fast pace or a slow pace, but you're okay with it, maybe even loving it.
Do I let everything in 100% of the time? No. Do I do this practice perfectly? Yes, in the sense that I practice when I remember to practice. And practice is perfect.
When you're ready, you will know what action to take. When you're ready, your action will be inspired action. If you aren't inspired - which means you aren't ready - rest. Or meditate. Or have a brief chat about what is working with someone supportive. Or just breathe. Find a moment of "bonsai spaciousness." Manage your energy - not the dog doo, the office politics, or your time.
~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~ . . . ~
(Thanks to Tenney Nathanson, poet and professor of poetry at the University of Arizona, for the term bonsai spaciousness.)
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Living the Labyrinth
by Kate Harper, PCC, CLC
January, 2008
I recently spent several days of silent retreat in the desert outside Tucson, Arizona. Outdoors in this beautiful setting is a copy of the famous Labyrinth at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Chartres, France. Walking the labyrinth as a meditation can bring insight, and I decided to try it.
"It is a maze of twisty little passages!" my husband Joe likes to say when something seems complicated. His comment sprang to mind as I studied the labyrinth. It is beautiful, elegant and looks like a maze of twisty little passages. Unsure what to expect, I formed my meditative question - "What is next for me?" - and stepped in. I began walking, one step at a time. At first I was going directly towards the center, and then I turned and turned again. It was hard to tell how far I had come or how far I had to go. Yet, I kept going. Slowly I began to realize that a labyrinth isn't a maze at all. You can not get lost and there are no dead ends; there is only one path to the center, and it is the same way back to the beginning.
As I walked it occurred to me - what if life is really more like a labyrinth than a maze? It appears to be made of twisty little passages but perhaps it is more of a path. If I follow the direction and put one foot in front of the other, I will be led to where I want to go, even if it might appear as if I am headed in the opposite direction or not getting there fast enough!
I often ask clients to focus on the next step and listen inside for directional guidance.
Speaker Esther Hicks describes how her granddaughter hides a little car and then helps Esther to find it, by saying "warmer, warmer," or "colder, colder." Esther always finds the car! I know I am always being called forward. I can feel for the warmer or colder. I stop for a moment and ask myself, What feels better? What gives me energy? What brings more joy?
Did I get the answer to my question of what is next for me? Not in the way I had imagined, but I did get the answer: Keep putting one foot in front of the other, listen inside for direction, and enjoy the beauty and elegance of the path.
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Emotion in Motion
by Sheri Boone, MCC, CLC
December, 2007
Lately, I've been paying attention to my emotions in a new way. I believe we each have an emotional set-point, a level or a place where we're most comfortable. Whether this comes from our nature or our environment is a larger discussion for another article. I believe it's a combination of both coming together in a way that informs how we each feel and experience our world.
A new term I've been using for a few months now is "emotionally satisfying." This concept hit me after a not-so-emotionally satisfying experience. Something I thought would be a personally fulfilling experience turned out to not be so. As I reflected on what I "could have done better," how I "could have made it grander," I realized at its core, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, the situation - for me - was not emotionally satisfying. What great news! Now I could really take a look at what was going on and discover the gems here. And the really good news...I can make a new choice next time a similar situation or opportunity is presented to me.
Then, I attended the International Coach Federation's annual conference in Long Beach, California and listened to two of the keynote speakers talk about emotions, how they are at the root of all we do, and how they drive our motivations.
Julio Olalla, founder and president of the coach training organization The Newfield Network, spoke of our emotions being huge territory; to think clearly, we need to be very clear about our emotions. They are, in fact, that which pushes us into action! And he shared this idea: that human evolution comes not from new ideas, but from a new emotional realm. Our emotions are our core.
Dr. Kjell Nordstrom, author of Funky Business Forever, said that successful businesses in this part of the century will be "female, personal, simple, and emotional." He said we are emotionally wired.
At Inspired Mastery we always say, "Take only the inspired action." What we mean is this: follow your own energy. If something feels (key word here) like struggle or hard work, reconsider at the least and at best, drop it, don't do it, or change it in some way to bring the inspiration - the good feeling - back in.
I want to pay attention to my emotions because they provide a wealth of information for me. They are my informers of what's important to me and why I'm doing anything. The emotions that drive me are joy, love, hope, contentment, happiness, friendship, comfort, acceptance, zest, gratitude, glee, anticipation, awe, and peace. When I'm feeling the opposite of these, my work is to take note, be aware, and then to find my path back to my own satisfying emotional set-point.
What a delight and a gift to be having this incredible adventure called life. In this season of connection with family and friends, and all of the rich emotion that comes forth - joy, love, hope, and so many more - I'll be taking many moments to reflect on the deeper meanings of all of the feelings and emotions in my life. I invite you to do the same.
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Making Peace with Not Knowing
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
November, 2007
I'm good at knowing. My husband says I'm always right, whether I am or not. That's because I'm so certain of what I know - or believe I know.
My former Zen teacher, the wonderful and quirky John Tarrant, Roshi, had spoken with me for about 20 minutes when he gave me my first koan: "Not knowing is most intimate." He saw straight through my masterful ability to know and gave me a gift that would help move me beyond it.
A koan is a saying or story that the Zen student sits with. The instruction is to keep company with the koan and let it seep into all parts of you; let it penetrate deeply, well beyond the brain. So in the opening keynote of the International Coach Federation conference, when I heard Julio Olalla (pronounced "Oh LAH Ya" as he is South American) say, "If you want to learn, be willing not to know," I felt my heart beat faster.
Julio, a giant in the coaching world and in the world in general, spoke about the connection between not-knowing and dreaming. When you first dream of something you want to be, have, or do, you become aware almost instantly that you are not competent to realize your dream . . . yet. If you were, it would not be a dream. In order to move toward it, you have to be comfortable with not knowing everything about how to get to your dream. You have to become comfortable with being incompetent. Julio said, "You have to be at peace with not knowing."
In his workshop session "Coaching Relational Intelligence: Improving Business Performance by Improving Relationships," Mamoru Itoh, MCC, the founder of the first and largest coach training organization in Japan, Coach 21 Co. Ltd., spoke of the feeling of stability that comes with knowing and the feeling of instability that comes with not knowing. His point was that the place of instability actually promotes movement more than the place of stability.
True leaders - in business and in personal life - are able to navigate the ambiguity of not knowing, the instability of uncertainty, the discomfort in the gap that opens up before clarity arises. They experience and exhibit intra-personal intelligence - inner consciousness and its attendant self care and self responsibility - as well as inter-personal intelligence - skill at communicating that draws people in concert toward their common dreams and goals.
What I love about not knowing is that when I remember to go there, I relax. I am open to possibility. I don't have to push myself to a conclusion. When I get comfortable with not-knowing, I'm able to allow creative solutions to arise. I'm able to allow the answers to come from within as well as from others around me. And I find myself and any group I'm in moving toward our dreams. When I make peace with not-knowing, I become aware that the stream of well-being is carrying me, and all of us, right to where we want to be.
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Resistance is Futile
by Sheri Boone, MCC,
CLC
with Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
October, 2007
Have you been in struggle recently, wrestling with how to get something done or move ahead on a project? When we're pushing against something or trying so hard to achieve, we're actually stopping the flow of getting to where we want to go by putting a logjam in the river. In effect, we end up resisting our own flow. How many times have you been given the message that dogged determination is the only way to get what you want? What if that isn't really true? We think the Path of Least Resistance has gotten a bad rap.
I worked with a psychologist who was writing a book and came up against her own logjam. She told me she was not sure how to put into words what she wanted to say. In short, she was confused, distracted and self-critical. All of these indicated resistance to what she really wanted - to write a really great book.
When she became aware that her distraction, self-criticism, and confusion were, in fact, resistance, she had a light bulb moment. As I questioned more deeply, suddenly she said, "Oh, I got it. It's acceptance. This doesn't have to be any different. If I accept where I am right now, the weight is lifted and it all becomes easy!" At that moment she let go of the struggle. The logjam released and the waters flowed again.
Please don't get scared here. We know there's something counter-intuitive about acceptance. This isn't lying down and settling for less than you desire. This is about getting out of your own way by appreciating where you are. Oddly, in order to move ahead, you must first find a way to be okay with what is, right now. This is why the Path of Least Resistance has gotten a bad rap. The fear is that you'll become complacent and not take action, but in the presence of acceptance, the waters flow.
When you find yourself struggling, apply acceptance. When things seem hard, try appreciation. When it's just not working out, stop and find a way to relax. Forget about dogged determination. It's too hard and it doesn't give you the greatest return on your investment. Wouldn't you rather let go, relax, and enjoy the ride on the amazing river you've got flowing?
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The Limitless
Leader
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC,
MCLC
and Sheri Boone, MCC, CLC
September, 2007
Two caterpillars are
walking along when a butterfly flits overhead. Says one caterpillar to the
other, "You'd never get me up in one of those!"
So often, we humans also
fail to recognize that we are the butterfly. We think we're the
habitual, circumstantial person who has a driver's license and knows his or her
name and place in the order of things. And, yes, we are that person . . . and so
much more. We're the timeless, limitless, expansive self that doesn't depend on
circumstances for happiness. Our true nature is larger than the physical person
we know ourselves to be. And as leaders, there's much more personal power in
being able to connect to the Limitless Self, in identifying with the Limitless
Self rather than the self of habit or circumstance.
But how do we make that
connection? How do we identify with the larger self? It's likely that you have
taken many of your own forays to the Limitless Self. Here and now, we'd like to
share our Four A's.
Awareness. In our experience, the first step
is always awareness. When we're aware of our thoughts, we are no longer attached
to them; we're not as strongly identified with them. When we see our thoughts
from even a little bit of a distance, the one who's seeing is the Limitless
Self. To experience this, take 30 seconds now and watch your thoughts as they
arise. Notice how little you think them and how much they just seem to appear.
And pay attention, for a scant 30 seconds, to what they are. Then become aware
of the one who is doing the noticing.
Awareness is alert
attention, consciousness, focus on one thing at a time, presence, being
in the moment that is now.
Acceptance. Frequently, with sustained or deep
awareness, a natural acceptance arises. In the experience of profound awareness,
we accept that what is in front of us is what is in front of us. We
don't necessarily condone it. We may not even like it. But we are willing to
accept that it is. We're willing to be with it and there's no urge to push
against it.
Acceptance is a willingness
to be with what is.
Alignment. Beyond acceptance is
alignment, or finding joy in the moment. You know the feeling of being
in the zone, being fully engaged, enjoying exactly what you're doing right this
minute. You're present and happy right here right now with this activity, any
other people involved, and yourself. You're in alignment with yourself, with
your Limitless Self. You're in alignment with whatever is
presenting itself to you. And you're in alignment with the present
moment.
Alignment is joy in the
moment.
Adventure. When you are enjoying whatever
you're doing in this moment
and you're working toward a goal, that's
what we call
adventure. There's a creative tension between the joy in
the moment and the joy of moving forward with purpose. Both exist together - joy
in the moment and focus on the goal. We've noticed for ourselves, that if more
than 50% of our attention moves to the goal only, the adventure lessens. Joy in
the moment begins to drain away. We don't feel so great. When at least half of
our attention is on the joy in the moment, we're happy and productive at the
same time.
Adventure is joy with a purpose.
In our experience, if our
clients aren't in one of these modes, they are generally suffering. And we
notice that when they are in one of these modes, they are highly effective as
leaders. We see action taken out of Awareness, Acceptance, Alignment, or
Adventure, as more effective than action taken to try to make something
happen or even get something to happen.
Whatever your
forays into your Limitless Self look like, we invite you to take them in order
to be the authentic Limitless Leader that you are.
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Mastery Begins at
Home
by Jennifer Sellers, PCC,
MCLC
August, 2007
The key to communicating with
difficult people lies not in the circumstances, but in you. The key to
overcoming overwhelm lies not in the circumstances, but in you. The key to
getting happy at work lies not in the circumstances, but in you.
Mastery begins at home, in
your own heart and mind, when you question your stressful thoughts. And
resolving any difficult situation means taking responsibility for yourself. It
means taking care of yourself. It means being kind to yourself. Anything tough
that you face is an opportunity to examine your reactions, your decisions, and
the perspectives you choose. Self-examination followed by self-responsibility,
self-care, and self-love. These are the ways in which personal mastery shows up.
Ron, an individual coaching client
earlier this year, had taken a hiatus from corporate life, prompted by the
thought that he couldn't be himself in the corporate world. Shortly after
starting coaching, he decided to return to his former employer. He began making
plans for returning to the corporate world in integrity and from a position of
authenticity. The option of returning was possible because when he had left a
few months earlier, he had acted amicably and responsibly.
He took care of himself by
getting clear on what he wanted and making a commitment to himself to only
consider positions that truly appealed to him - that fit his talents and his
interests, that challenged him at just the right level, and that matched his
desires to spend ample time with his wife and two young daughters. He took
responsibility for himself by acting with equal measures of honesty and tact as
he explored possible positions in the company to which he was returning.
The surprises for Ron came
when he began to state what he wanted. He found that people were willing to
agree to his requests. The whole situation was less stifling than he expected.
Work that lay much closer to his interests and strengths opened up to him. And
he began to see that the idea that he couldn't be himself at this company was
simply not true. His perspective shifted drastically.
Mastery begins with
questioning your stressful thoughts. The stressful thought is usually some
version of "This shouldn't be happening" or "This isn't right." When you inquire
into the thoughts - there's not enough time here, there's not enough autonomy
here, there's not enough "me" here - you begin to see that what seemed to be
concrete walls are little more than smoky perceptions.
Then you take care of yourself in the
basic ways - enough rest, enough play, enough company, enough solitude. When you
take care of yourself, you feel good. When you feel good, you are more
resourceful. Your difficult situations begin to sort themselves out.
Ron went back to the corporate world
in a new job with renewed focus and energy. He may still decide that it's not
for him, but he's planning to give it a shot from his place of integrity and
authenticity. If it later turns out not to be a fit, he'll tune in to what is
most important and make decisions from there. And should that point come, I hope
I'll have the honor of again accompanying him on his path, of coaching him see
inside his thinking and to come to his own answers.
Mastery is seeing your stressful
thoughts and questioning them. Inquiry into your own thinking usually leads you
to taking responsibility for yourself, taking care of yourself, and being kind
to yourself and others. It begins close to the bone - in your own mind, in your
own heart of hearts, in your own home of homes. And it begins whenever you are
ready. It begins now.
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Living the Metaphor (Lessons from the Canyon, Part III)
Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
July, 2007
Last year, I looked at my life and found myself repeatedly falling
short of my goals. I would throw an aspiration way out there, like shooting an
arrow across the Grand Canyon. Then I would get
a good running start and try to take a flying leap across to join it. Many
times I found myself crashed at the bottom, all broken up. I had to be placed
in emotional traction in order to come back from these leaps, whether they were
business or personal goals.
Finally it dawned on me that I could take one step at a
time, walk down to the bottom, cross over the Colorado on a nice, sturdy bridge, and walk
up the other side. This would be more enjoyable, there would be time to be
intimate with the landscape, and it would actually be more efficient, since the
hike takes only a few days, while healing from the leap is a long-term affair.
The metaphor was a good part of what inspired me to put
together our 5-day rim-to-rim Canyon trip in the first place. The first couple
of weeks after we returned, almost every night I dreamed I was hiking the
canyon. And still, I feel the metaphor seeping even deeper into my psyche and
into the choices I make.
I'm not attempting to leap from way over here to way over
there right this minute. I'm not on a forced march from one side to the other,
either. I'm stopping and camping two nights here and a night there, taking in
the side trips to Ribbon Falls and Plateau Point,
watching a snake chase a lizard, hearing the high gobble-gobble of a wild
turkey in the dusk. I'm feeling myself grow stronger with the exercise; I'm
enjoying the support of my trekking poles, my boots, my loved ones. And I'm
reveling in knowing I have the power within to get me anywhere I want to go.
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Choosing the Gift (Lessons from the Canyon, Part I)
Sheri Boone, MCC, CLC
June, 2007
The bottom of the Grand Canyon . . . 14 miles if you descend the North Rim
and about 10 if you go down the South Rim. Either way, it's a journey to a
rarefied place. You can't get there by car, plane, train, or bike - only by
foot or burro, so only a relatively few people will ever see this incredible
natural wonder. I felt excited and privileged to be one of these. We made it
down intact!
The weather
was forecast to be hot, even 100 degrees. But, it was overcast and about 85 the
day we completed our trek to the bottom. Thinking this a lucky relief, we
retired to our tents early planning to arise at dawn for more early morning
hiking. After a few short hours of sleep, I awoke to rumbling, clapping, and
booming thunder and lightning, not to mention pouring rain!
As I lay in
my sleeping bag, certainly surprised, yet wishing to enjoy the full experience
of this unexpected storm, I realized that even with our best-laid plans, nature
has a mind of her own. I also felt incredibly vulnerable and a bit small
in the grander scheme. Here I was at the bottom of the Grand
Canyon, totally at the whim of a force outside of my control. Many
thoughts came during the next few hours as the powerful storm continued: "What if it lasts all day?" "Okay, now
my tent is soaked; what shall I do?" and my favorite, "Will the park ranger come by and rescue
us?"
At dawn,
the thunder stopped and the rain lessened. We got up, did some drying out, and
began our hike away from the bottom to our next stop, hot and dry. As we hiked
I reflected on this event and realized that I was actually very happy to have
the full experience of the magnificent Grand Canyon.
Lying there in my bag and feeling the raw power of the earth was a
once-in-a-lifetime experience. I was connected to nature through all of my
senses and it was an incredibly vast experience for me. I'll never forget it.
I also knew
I was climbing out with a valuable lesson. It is this: things can change quickly
and without warning, and if they do, how shall I choose to be with the change?
I have a choice to go with the flow and enjoy the new experience, even as I
feel the disappointment or frustration of my original vision or plans slipping
away. Yes, isn't this the way of life and work? We may think we have it all
planned, organized, and coordinated . . . and then, a raging storm stops us in
our tracks. How will we handle it? How will we manage the change? I know for
me, there is always a gift to
be found in the new circumstance and adventure. My most pressing and engaging
work, every day, is to find it. Thank you, Grand Canyon, for reminding me, once again, of the amazing fluidity of life and of all the
gifts it brings.
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Choosing the Focus (Gifts from the Canyon, Part II)
Kate Harper, PCC, CLC
June, 2007
Several people have asked me the highlight of hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim; there were so many. I loved the spectacular beauty; every step brought a new amazing vista. I loved the physical challenge - yes, I am in better shape than I thought! I deeply enjoyed quiet moments with my husband and partners, deepening the relationships that make my life so rich.
And, one of my high points came when I was annoyed. Yes! Totally and completely annoyed. The third day dawned with rain. Deciding we'd do better to get hiking and dry out at the next camp, I got up early and got ready to go. However, the rest of the crew decided to take it more leisurely. Ready to roll, I started getting annoyed. Then I noticed that I was not only annoyed with them but even more annoyed with myself for being annoyed! I was definitely digging my own Grand Canyon of annoyance. Then, I realized I was missing the spectacular scenery, the chirping of the birds and the soothing sound of the river. I could choose to focus on annoyance or I could say, "Okay, I'm annoyed," and then focus on the beauty right in front of me.
I took this insight home with me. Last week my daughter Lizzy graduated high school. The Tuesday before graduation I was fretting about whether my house was clean enough for my mother and if I should buy both whole grain and white bread (Polly likes whole grain, Carol white), when I remembered the moment in the Grand Canyon. Instead of fretting, could I focus on the beauty right in front of me? The beauty of the big milestone for my daughter of whom I am so proud, the loving family that flew all the way across the country to celebrate with me. Yes I could and I did. Thank you, Grand Canyon!
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Leading from the Sweet Spot
Jennifer Sellers, PCC, MCLC
May, 2007
Mindfulness. Awareness.
Consciousness. Presence. These can be meaningless buzzwords or reminders of the
intimate relationship we can have with life. What do they have to do with our
work and our leadership?
In the business classic Good to
Great (New
York: Collins - HarperCollins, 2001), Jim Collins uses
the image of a flywheel to describe organizations moving from buildup to
breakthrough and beyond. In their research, Collins and his team discovered that
in companies that went from good to great, "There was no single defining action,
no grand program, no one killer innovation, no solitary lucky break, no
wrenching revolution. Good to great comes about by a cumulative process - step
by step, action by action, decision by decision, turn by turn of the flywheel -
that adds up to sustained and spectacular results." (pp. 164-165)
Every day we're turning the flywheel
of our businesses and of our lives. And presence - being awake and
fully alive in the moment - is what dramatically leverages the effort exerted in
each push of the flywheel.
Have you noticed that as you set
yourself to a task when you're tired or distracted by something you're unhappy
about, it takes longer to get it done and it's a lot harder? You feel the full
weight of that enormous flywheel. But when you're rested and focused on the same
task, even if it's not your favorite thing to do, moving the flywheel is a joy .
. . or at least not an unbearable chore. And the only difference is being
present - to yourself, to the task, to what the results of it will mean, to the
people who'll benefit, to the success of your organization, to the people on
your team, perhaps to all of these.
I sometimes recognize how much I
resist the present moment - how many times I want the answer to be different,
the person I'm speaking with to see it my way, something or someone to require
less maintenance. I want more time, more money flowing through; I want to make
more of a contribution. Those desires are meaningful, and they inspire me toward
my goals. At the same time, when I'm able to be in full acceptance of the
person, the answer, the level of maintenance, the time, the money, my current
contribution . . . when I'm relaxing into this moment and not fighting one thing
about it, I am so much more resourceful. I know what to do next to be truly
effective. I have lots of energy. And I enjoy myself!
Resistance is futile, and it's not
what we came here for. We came to get our hands in the dirt. We came to soar. We
came to turn the flywheel and have fun doing it. We came for the joy. And as a
leader, you came to be a model. Even "sustained and spectacular results" are not
worth much if we're not fully alive to them.
What are you creating as you read
this? Curiosity or boredom? An open mind or a judging one? Are you settling in
to this moment, or are you rushing toward the next one? And how do these types
of choices affect you as a leader?
Soften your jaw, your belly, your
shoulders. Soften your perspective, your attitude, your opinion. Find that sweet
spot. Open to it now. And again now. And Now. And lead on.
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Can you see inside your blind spots?
Your first reaction may be, "Of course not! That's why they're called blind
spots, right?" But maybe with the help of a little round mirror - the convex
kind that you stick on your side view mirror to help you see when you're driving
- you can have the visibility you want.
So what's the little round mirror
that will give you the ability to see from where you're sitting? Let me give you
an example.
We talked about how to find people's
values, asked everyone to get a difficult person in mind, and requested they
predict three of the person's values. We asked participants to share one value
they saw in the difficult person. Here are the ones that came up first:
respect, possessions, personal comfort, and
reserved and private.
Just take a moment now, and notice
what you feel when you read each word. Would you describe what you feel more as
"flow...ease...warmth... I-like-it" or is it more like "resistance...a
hardness...cold...I-don't-like-it"?
What is the little convex mirror,
then? What is it that makes it possible to see where we couldn't see just
moments before? One word for it is appreciation. It wasn't until people
were able to appreciate what was important to the other person that they were
able to acknowledge them and really see them. And when they saw them in this
way, the other person didn't seem quite as difficult.
You can apply this practice of
appreciation to yourself as well. It may be your own excellence that you're
overlooking. As you look at some area in which you feel "weak," take another
look. It's just possible that what you're missing is your ability to see where
you're strong, where you're clear. Noticing those aspects, you may be able to
get at whatever has had you stymied.
Try the experiment. Consider a
situation you're feeling confused about. Find as many ways as you can to
appreciate yourself and everyone else in the situation, as well as any systems
or process aspects of it. Then let it sit and allow the ideas to come to you
that open up new understanding. You'll gain the gift of illumination that comes
from looking in the little round mirror.
There is an old American Indian teaching story that
speaks to the power of acknowledgment. It goes like this:
We have all experienced the power of being truly heard. It is one of the highest gifts we receive in this life. In the business world, it encourages deeper thinking, energized action, and greater connection to the work at hand. And it invokes the leader in everyone.
I heard Guy speak at the International Coach Federation
conference in November and recalled his words as I was welcoming in the New
Year. Usually I create a vision or theme for the year. Instead I decided to
create a personal mantra. A mantra is meaningful, memorable and short, only
three or four words. I wanted something that inspires me and captures the
essence of what I'm about in 2007.
I was letting the idea of a mantra percolate in the back of
my mind when I heard one of my favorite inspirational speakers, Esther Hicks
explain that on a river rafting trip you don't put your boat in the water ten
feet from the finish. You put in far upstream to enjoy the ride. My mantra for
2007: Enjoy the Ride.
My partners have their mantras.
